Yule be lucky

’Tis the night before Christmas, and all through the campus
At Infinite Loop there’s a wheeze like a grampus
As Santa huff-puffs through the halls with a curse:
‘My job’s hard enough, and they’re making it worse!

‘It’s cool and it’s blue and it’s easy to sell –
But look at the numbers! Gawd! Strewth! Bloody hell!
Bring back Gil Amelio and plummeting sales –
Who needs half a million iMacs?’ he wails.

Then up from his sleigh with a quiet ‘Ahem!’
Jumps an elf from a well-known Far East OEM.
‘Why struggle with orders from Apple, Saint Nick?
We’ll build all your Macs and deliver them quick!’

Now what to their wondering eyes should appear
But William H Gates with a skinful of beer!
His specs – how they dangle! His face how ill-shaven!
His legs are like jelly, his hair like a raven!

His sad little mouth hangs as limp as a fish
As he mumbles: ‘Oh Santa – please grant me my wish!
Send Windows PCs to the kids just once more.
Next year they’ll be banned by monopoly law!’

Just then, with a jingle of change in his pants,
Strides up Steven Jobs, and like thunder he rants:
‘On, Avie Tevanian, Mandich and Schiller!
On Rubinstein, Anderson! On, David Millar!

‘We’ve scuppered the cloners and Bill’s on the ropes –
It’s the time to fulfil every Mac lover’s hopes.
We’ll build them to order! We’ll ship just in time!
We’ll launch new machines in Q1 ’99!

‘We’ll make a new eMate that’s better than sex!
We might even finish off Mac OS X!
Let all Apple acolytes be of good cheer –
We’ve stopped being crap! Have a happy New Year!’

And then, on the roof, they all hear with a clatter
The prancing and pawing of four tiny trotters;
And when through the snow-frosted pane they look out,
They see, flying upward, a shiny red snout.

First published in MacUser, 11 December 1998

Tagged as: Apple, Business, Computing, MacUser, Microsoft