on 14 July 2008Interior, evening. A cosy public house somewhere in the Home Counties. Behind the bar, stage right, is the landlord, BILL, a recent retiree with a pale complexion and a crash helmet haircut. He is overseeing operations while his wife, MELINDA, talks on the phone. The barman, BULMER, is cleaning eight glasses at once at frenzied speed. A CUSTOMER attempts to enter by the French window, stage left; we see him through the glass.
CUSTOMER: Oh.
The door has failed to respond to his push. He tries again, then pauses. This time he pulls the door. After briefly resisting, it flies open, striking him in the face.
CUSTOMER: Ow! Ouch! Dammit! Has nobody told you there’s something wrong with your windows?
BILL: We have conducted extensive usability testing, but if you encounter a problem, please submit an error report.
CUSTOMER: Report? Error? All I want is…
Slipping on a crisp packet that’s been left on the carpet, he falls to the floor.
CUSTOMER: Bloody hell!
BILL: We regret that your customer experience has been compromised, but third party manufacturers are responsible for the compatibility of their products with our underlying technology.
CUSTOMER: (Getting back up) Look, if there’s nothing else you’re going to put in my way before I can do the simple thing I came in here for, can I just get a beer?
BILL: Of course.
He stands motionless.
CUSTOMER: Well?
BILL: If you initiated this purchase, select Yes. Otherwise, select No.
CUSTOMER: Erm… Yes.
BILL: Do you want to drink or save this beverage?
CUSTOMER: Well, drink it, obviously! What am I going to save it for, Christmas?
BILL: OK.
He pours a beer.
CUSTOMER: Thanks. How much is that?
BILL: It’s on the house.
CUSTOMER: Oh, there’s no need…
BILL: It’s always on the house. My wife and I have so much beer, we’ve decided to give it all away.
CUSTOMER: That’s remarkably decent of you.
BILL: We think so.
CUSTOMER: But, I hope you don’t mind me asking, if you’re just going to give all your beer away, why bother running a pub?
BILL: Who else is going to do it? Bulmer? (Indicates the barman, who is now drinking cider from the tap while waving his arms and shouting ‘Drinkers! Drinkers! Drinkers! Drinkers!’) He’s crazy, you know.
CUSTOMER: Right. I can see you really love working with beer.
BILL: I suppose that’s it. At first it was about the brewing, the pumps, the cellaring. There were other pubs, of course – some of them pretty similar to this, to be honest – but I always wanted mine to be the best. Well, maybe not the best, but the busiest. And after a while, it was. In fact, those other pubs closed down. Not my fault, of course. Anyway, by that time I had other people to do the technical stuff. All that was left, really, was the beer. That and the relentless pursuit of infinite unfettered power, mwahahaha. Ahem.
CUSTOMER: So now you’re sitting here on a vast wealth of beer, which you’re just going to give away? What about your kids, do they not like beer?
BILL: Haha, they’re a bit young for that. We’re working on the principle that we’ll leave them enough beer to have a party now and again, but not enough to turn them into total piss-heads. It’s part of our ethos of social responsibility.
CUSTOMER: I see. Quite. Very admirable.
BILL: It is, isn’t it? Now, before you drink your beer, we do have to ensure it’s being put to the best possible use. If you could just fill in this form describing exactly how your organisation plans to drink the beer, the public benefits that you expect to result from it being drunk, and what measures you have in place to prevent any spillage, then submit your application with suitable references to the following address, our people will get back to you as soon as possible to confirm whether you’ve made it through to the next round of approvals and you’ll be given a date for a site visit.
CUSTOMER: You’re giving it away, but you’re still being a control freak about it?
BILL: Of course.
CUSTOMER: Right, I’ve had enough of this. I’m off down the iPod and Firkettle. The landlord may be a tightwad but at least his pumps work.
Adam Banks participates in a scheme to donate a large proportion of his income to good causes. It’s called paying some effing tax, in case any billionaires were wondering.
adambanksdotcom @gbarl Bah, missed your Watchdog. Do they do it on iPlayer?