Leaning on a lamppost at the corner of the street in case a certain little LED comes by

According to the Sun, the Government is going to snoop on us with X-ray cameras stuck up lampposts. According to the Government, it isn’t. This would be an obvious time to add, ‘Well, I know who I believe,’ but in this case that doesn’t really apply.

Some people have pointed out that X-ray cameras take about a minute to scan a human body, which would seem to rule this out as a viable plan. I’m not so sure. All they have to do is pass a new law (I know – a new law! From this Government! Hard to imagine, but bear with me) creating a public order offence of failing to loiter. We’ll all have to wait under lampposts for a minimum of one minute, or pay an £80 on-the-spot fine. It could make the walk back from the pub a bit time-consuming, but thanks to 24-hour licensing you can always just stay at the pub. If it hasn’t been converted into a casino.

To avoid any excuses, the rule would be that you had to stand still under every lamppost, although you’d know if it was really a scanning one because you’d see the light beam sweeping across. So your other half would be on the phone asking what was keeping you, and you’d have to explain that you were leaning on a lamppost at the corner of the street in case a certain little LED comes by.

There won’t be any police officers around except in the posh areas where they go to hide Of course, there won’t be any police officers around to enforce this, except in the posh areas where they go to hide from all the street criminals. No problem: they just have to stick a normal camera up the lamppost next to the X-ray scanner to see who’s not standing underneath it. Probably one of those high-tech speed cameras that detects people moving too quickly and automatically sends a penalty notice to someone with a similar name who died in 1975.

Anyway, the reason why the Sun was so interested in the X-ray cameras was that they had the capability to take pictures of people without their clothes. Normally that would only be possible with two hundred quid cash and vague promises about a proper modelling career. Apparently the resolution is so good that you can not only tell if someone’s wearing a suicide bomb, you can zoom in and see which British Aerospace subsidiary made the detonator.

It goes without saying that increased surveillance is a price we have to pay so that the authorities can keep us safe and uphold the rule of law. The funny thing is, where I used to live in East London you didn’t need X-rays to see the hardware under the overcoats of the blokes who watched the Range Rovers during the local business community’s monthly meetings. But those nights the bobbies always seemed to get called out to a major incident in Chelsea.

Surely the biggest drawback of X-ray scanning is that not many crimes involve hiding something under your clothes. You can see how it might theoretically help to detect terrorism, but there isn’t all that much terrorism to be detected. What are the chances of a homicidal fundamentalist pausing under the right street light to readjust his straps? Everyone knows the whole point of anti-terrorist measures is that you can use them to fish for ordinary everyday crime.

After the July 7 bombings, the Met naturally took to stopping young men with beards carrying rucksacks. ‘Do I really look like a terrorist or are you just hoping I’ve got some gear?’ ‘We’re acting in the interests of national security.’ ‘Then why is your sniffer dog called Shaggy?’ ‘Well, terrorists carry drugs to fund their nefarious activities.’ ‘I thought Al Qaeda was bankrolled by DVD piracy.’ ‘Very funny, sir.’ ‘Thanks, I’m here all week.’ ‘You will be.’

It’s vital to dismantle the last vestiges of privacy and dignity that stand between us and Utopia If the X-ray system turns out not to be any use – although that’s never stopped the Government spending a couple of billion on an IT contract – it’ll be vital to move ahead with other ways to dismantle the last vestiges of privacy and dignity that stand between us and Utopia. Fortunately, to use one of John Reid’s* favourite phrases, a lot of progress has already been made (*Home Secretary correct at time of going to press). It’s not hard when technology companies are so eager to do their duty for the state. Any state. Laser printer makers add special dots to help the FBI trace their customers. Google censors the Internet for its friends in Beijing. Apple takes the optional iSight camera off the market and replaces it with one built into every Mac, with no lens cap.

Oh, you bought the story about iSight components being bad for the environment. Yeah, right. We know how much Apple cares about the environment. Just ask Greenpeace. Is it coincidence that Apple registered the trademark ‘iSpy’? All right, it didn’t. Just like it didn’t register ‘iPhone’. Aha!

You’re sceptical now, but when you finish reading this, you’re going to look for a Post-It to stick over that square little eye. We can beat them, brother. One by one.

First published in MacUser, 16 February 2007

Tagged as: Law, Mac, MacUser, Media