MACWORLD EXPO, SAN FRANCISCO Jan 5, 1999—Apple Computer, Inc today launched iMacs in five new colours
Apple Computer today announced the appointment of five new iCEOs (interim chief executive officers), replacing the previous single iCEO, Steve Jobs. The new models promise slight performance improvements over the original, but more significantly have been cosmetically upgraded to offer variety and consumer appeal.
The five will have responsibility for finance, developer relations, international strategy, press relations and marketing, and will be known respectively as Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy and Bashful.
Asked to comment on reports that the original Steve Jobs had been withdrawn, a spokesperson said: ‘I suppose he has been a bit quiet lately, but once you get to know him he does come out of his shell.’
Following last year’s protracted and unsuccessful search for a new leader, Apple has this time eschewed conventional Silicon Valley head-hunters and recruited all five iCEOs through the company’s entertainment industry contacts. The executives were formerly with Pearson Television’s Baywatch.
An Apple representative commented: ‘Baywatch is a programme that appeals to millions of people who would normally be too stupid to watch television. We felt this was a good fit with our consumer sales strategy.’
One of the appointees was formerly a senior production accountant and vice president of finance, while the others had responsibility for wearing red bathing suits, running around, and appearing ‘nude’ in adult magazines although, in fact, you never really saw anything.
Some industry observers warned that the new line-up could cause confusion and chaos. This was denied by the iCEOs, who commented: ‘Ordinary people don’t care who’s the boss of the company that makes their computer. It’s far more important to them how many bosses there are. Everyone knows five is better than one. It’s obvious, duh.’
Following the announcement, Intel is rumoured to be interviewing for 21 successors to its retiring chairman Andy Grove, while unconfirmed reports suggest Microsoft may replace Bill Gates with the population of the State of Wisconsin.
In related news, PC maker Packard Dell has announced a range of Windows-based computers manufactured from variously flavoured candy. A spokesperson explained: ‘Like other Wintel systems, it’ll screw up beyond any reasonable hope after a few days of serious use, but owners will at least be able to eat the machine and thereby gain some degree of satisfaction.’ The product will be advertised on TV during Baywatch.